


Darkness helps to numb the sadness, even when it hurts too much to exist

by orphan_account



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Denial, M/M, Self Harm, Triggers - cuts/blisters/blood/bruises/running, affair, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 13:56:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20154712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ben looked back at Callum when he stopped talking, Ben’s face softened again taking Callum’s bigger hand and squeezing reassuringly.“ You’re doing good Cal. “Callum shook his head slightly, avoiding Mitchell’s gaze. “ You don’t care -“Ben got up and straddled Callum’s thick thighs looking deep into those blue eyes.“ Of course I care! I love you, you twat. “





	Darkness helps to numb the sadness, even when it hurts too much to exist

Ben smoothed his finger over Callum’s semi toned chest blinking against the flushed skin. “ Why do you hurt yourself? “ Ben murmured calmly. Ben’s finger slowly trailed down to the scars on Callum’s side. 

Callum shifted uncomfortably with the sudden topic, he cleared his throat making an awkward face. “ I don’t want talk a’bout that. “ 

Ben looked up at his lover, it brought a natural smile to Callum’s face seeing the beautiful sight of Ben Mitchell. 

“ You do Callum, or else you’ll carry on hurting yourself. “ 

“ I’m fine. “ 

“ If you were fine you wouldn’t be having this discussion of you hurting yourself. “ 

Callum sighed heavily, wrapping his arms around ben’s toned waist again. Ben rested his sweaty head back on his lovers chest again. 

“ It helps. “ Callum started, after a few minutes of silence. “ When - when my head gets too full I need - I get this urge to just run for ‘ours. “ 

Ben looked back at Callum when he stopped talking, Ben’s face softened again taking Callum’s bigger hand and squeezing reassuringly. 

“ You’re doing good Cal. “ 

Callum shook his head slightly, avoiding Mitchell’s gaze. “ You don’t care -“ 

Ben got up and straddled Callum’s thick thighs looking deep into those blue eyes.   
“ Of course I care! I love you, you twat. “ 

Callum huffed out a laugh.   
“ nice. “ 

“ it’s still true. “ Ben smirked, lovingly. 

“ You already know -“ 

“ nah. I ain’t taking that for an answer. “ 

“ Why do you have to be so difficult? “ Callum said, without any heat behind the words. He played with ben’s fingers again needing to fiddle 

“ Because I wouldn’t be me if I weren’t a difficult cocky bastard would I? “ 

“ Your words. “ Callum cheekily said smiling. Ben smiled also without showing his teeth, he crept back to Callum’s side and leant his head into the crook of Callum’s shoulder to neck. 

“ Keep talking Halfway. “ 

Callum rolled his eyes fondly, he knows Ben cares. He loves him more for his caring nature, the domestically of their growing relationship scaring him ( in a good way ). When Callum isn’t around Ben he feels alone, when he is with Whitney and when she touches him it feels like he is cheating on Ben. 

You could seriously laugh at that. 

“ It’s just - it helps me -“ 

“ How? “ Ben prompted, noticing Callum struggling. 

“ I dunno! It just - feeling the pain makes me carry on, when all the remarks and stuff keep swirling around my head I just carry on runnin’. “ 

“ Why can’t you talk to me when you feel like that? “ Ben asked him, sounding hurt, even that thought makes him feel terrible. 

Callum sighs again, not mentally ready to talk about this, he wasn’t even expecting to have this discussion. “ I just can’t talk to people in general about it Ben. Don’t take it personally. “

“ I don’t like seeing you hurting yourself. “ 

Callum half shrugged. “ It helps. “ 

Ben didn’t speak. Instead, he cuddled against Callum even more hoping to put all the words into love into the embrace. He doesn’t know how to help him, that is the toughest thing he has to admit to himself. 

-/- 

Whitney came into the The Queen Vic helplessly. She flung her fists onto the bar and looked at Mic panicky. 

“ Mick have you seen Callum? “ Whitney asked, she sounded scared. Ben’s ears pricked up, he slowly got up from his seat and walked to the bar casually to listen in. 

Mick frowned at his ex lover, exchanging the beer and money from one of the punters. He walked to her shaking his head.   
“nah I ain’t seen ‘im since yesterday. “ he walked to the entrance of the house before shouting. “ Oi L ‘have you seen Halfway?! “ 

“ No?! “ 

Mick nodded. “ no she ain’t. “ like nobody just heard. “ why? What’s wrong? “ 

“ He’s gone missin’. “ 

“ missin’? “ 

‘ yes Mick missin’. “ Whitney rolled her eyes. “ He wasn’t in bed this morning, I’ve looked in the funeral pourers Jay ain’t seen him. I’ve looked everywhere. “ 

“ have you rang him? “ Ben piped up. 

“ oh I didn’t think of that, tanks Ben. “ Whitney sarcastically said, turning back to Mick.   
“ I’m worried ‘bout him. “ 

“ I’m sure he’ll turn up Whit. He’s a clever one, he ain’t stupid. “ 

Whitney huffed and left the pub carrying on searching for her Fiancée. 

Ben watched her go with the bubbling fear crawling at him, his mind going into overdrive. What if Callum has been running again and died? Or collapsed? What if Callum has found a new way of hurting himself and gone too deep? 

“ Oi Mitchell. “Mick slapped him across the back of the head. 

Ben jumped, rubbing his head shooting the landlord an angry look. “ You do that for? “ 

“ I’ve been callin’ you for 3 minutes! You know why Halfway is? “ mick assumed, eyes going slightly darker. 

“ no I don’t. If I did I’ve said. “ 

“ don’t get snarky with me Mitchell. “ Mick said. “ Halfway is like a son to me, so if you know what’s wrong with him I need to know. “ 

“ dunno what your going on about. “ Ben shrugged, knowing his face is letting him away. 

“ back room now. “ Mick ordered. Mick closed the door and turned to Ben with his hands on hips. “ Right tell me what’s going on. “ 

“ well you told me -“ 

“ Don’t get funny with me Ben, I know there is something wrong with him. “ 

Ben gulped, his guard going down now knowing someone else may know about Callum also. “ Like What? “ 

Mick sighed, clicking his neck. Like he is unsure if he should speak or not, knowing it’s the wise decision to speak up.   
“ I always see ‘him runnin’, till the point where he looks like he is about to collapse. He always seems like he is in pain. “ mick explains. “ I talk to him saying I’m here to listen to him, but he just shrugs me off saying he’s fine. “ 

Ben sits down, needing to have this serious conversation. Mick also sits down opposite Ben at the kitchen table. 

“ You can’t tell anyone. “ Ben starts off. 

Mick’s face shifts, unsure.   
“ If it’s serious you know I have too. “ 

“ Me and Callum have been havin’ an affair. “ Ben blurts out. 

“ ....right.. well I weren’t expecting that. “ Mick lets out.   
“ You and Halfway? For how long? “ 

“ Since pride. “ 

“ That was 2 months ago! “ 

Ben sighs. “ Callum has been in denial about his sexuality Mick, you can’t tell anyone, okay! but he - he told me yesterday that he has been hurting himself. “ 

“ How? “ 

“ running for hours till he collapses, I’ve seen his feet and they’re blistered and bruised. He barely can walk. “ 

“ So he’s gay? He’s in denial, been hurting himself because of his sexuality? “ 

“ I think it’s more than that, but that is the main bit. “ 

Mick rubbed his face. “ Why isn’t he not calling it off with Whitney? “ 

“ becos he loves her, not in love with her. He doesn’t want let his dad or Stuart down. “ 

Mick huffed rolling his eyes.   
“ they’re just pollocks anyway. They ain’t family. “ 

“ I need start looking for him. “ Ben told the older one. “ you can’t tell anyone about Callum and me, or the sexuality Mick. He won’t trust me. “ 

“ Right I won’t okay, but if anyone asks me about him hurting himself -“ 

“ Yeh of course you need to let them know about that but that’s it. “ And Ben left, not staying any longer for a reply. 

-/- 

It’s been 1 hour and finally Ben finds Callum laying on the muddy ground by the river. 

“ Cal?! “ 

“ what? “ 

“ Everyone’s been searching for ya! “ Ben goes on his knees wiping away Callum’s brunette hair from his eyes. 

“ Sorry. “ 

“ that it? You’ve been missing for ages and that’s all you got to say? Sorry. “ 

Callum looked at Ben bored.   
“ What do you want me to say? “ 

Ben choose to ignore that comment. “ what’s happened? “ 

Callum shrugged, quite hard when laying on the ground.   
“ Pushed myself a bit far, collapsed don’t know how long for. Woke up here, unable to get up. “ 

“ Why can’t you get up? “ 

“ my feet, think all the blisters and cuts reopened. Can’t walk.” Callum informed him. “ and because I’m exhausted. “ 

“ So it wasn’t worth hurting yourself this time then? “ Ben snapped. 

Callum groaned. “ Don’t start. “ 

“ no I will, the person I love has been running for god knows long and I find him by a river unable to move! What’ve you done if I weren’t here?” 

“ have peace and quiet. “ 

Ben slapped Callum’s sweaty chest, Callum swatted him away. “ oi! That hurt! “ 

“ Don’t get me started on that Cal. “ Ben said darkly. He sat up and stood up, holding his hands out for Callum to hold. But he just looked confused. “ What you waitin’ for? “ 

“ ...I can’t...” 

“ yes you can. “ Ben pulled Callum up as Callum winced by the stinging. 

“ Fucking hell. “ 

“ I’m gonna take us back to my car and we’re gonna get you cleaned up got it? “ 

“ I don’t want to talk -“ 

“ tough, this has gone on for too long now. You need help, proper help. I hate seein’ you like this. “   
Ben spoke as they made their way to his car. 

Callum looked down at the ground, tears welling up in his eyes. “ I’m sorry. “ 

Ben sighed, guilty. “ Don’t be sorry okay? I love you, I hate watching you suffer. Please just let me in. “ 

Callum shakily nodded his head.   
“ love you. “ he murmured. Ben tightened his grip around Callum’s waist as response. 

And for the first time in a long time, Callum didn’t feel so alone anymore.


End file.
